Gen Z Dating and RelationsHIPS

Why closure is a mythical, dark creature not to be sought after

When a relationship or partnership ends on bad terms and your mind begins to be overcome by confusion, doubt, guilt, and sadness, you are desperate for closure. Why?

I'm a strong believer that the desperation for closure from another person stems from the after effects of not having had that partner add to our life and spur growth in us. To search and try to find an explanation for why you let this person in your life is your mind’s way of retreating to non-acceptance. The situation and behavior of your ex-partner makes you question how someone like them could have had the impact they did on your headspace. Maybe just asking them more about what made them act that way, lie about their feelings for you, or mislead you could finally get rid of this confusion you’re overcome with. Deflecting our own feelings and control over our thoughts, and instead, deciding to control our ex, or the uncontrollable, is a backwards road. Bringing attention to our ex partner’s flaws and investigating why they exist is the easy and negative route our mind embarks on. It is easy to call someone names and point out their flaws, however, this destabilizes our headspace. The much more difficult and positive route to embark on is bringing our attention to ourselves, what we can control, and forgiving this person and the negative behavior they exhibited. Pursuing closure tricks our mind into thinking there is a way out of coping internally, creating a battle against ourself in seeking external validation. “I wish I could just make his life worse so he would know the damage he caused. What if I just went over to his house for a last talk about how things ended?”. In these moments, we abandon our own emotional world and delay it's healing. Overthinking leads to more overthinking, a spiral of inaction. To postpone hurt or grief, our mind perceives action as second guessing ourself. These are both clear examples of the mind embarking on an escape route from coping and accepting the situation on our own. The more we try to seek approval and understanding from our ex partner, the farther we are from healing on our own and developing compassion for ourselves. When retreating to the desperate route for closure, we are sacrificing the right we have to control our own reality. Not only this, searching for closure inhibits us from owning our own feelings and thoughts, and relying on our own intelligence we gained from the situation.

Forward Route:

We can make meaning by witnessing how we’ve been changed and knowing what we want in our next relationship. It is necessary to welcome the sadness we are overcome by and not push it aside, building compassion for ourselves in these moments. However, it is important to positively praise and affirm ourselves for who we are, and who we were in our past relationship. If you are with your friends, instead of resorting to the anger you have towards your ex with them, the external and uncontrollable force, talk about the compassion you have for yourself. This will be difficult and unbelievable at first, but it has been proven that the things we say out loud are what come to life. In other words, if you talk about what you could have done differently or how bad your ex-partner is, this is what your reality and headspace will become. However, if you talk about developing self-compassion and acceptance for the situation with your friends and family, this is what your reality and headspace will become instead. Spending time thinking about and writing down what positive traits we want in our next partner and being confident about asking for what we need is how we can make meaning. When remembering and seeing the good realizations that have come following the breakup, taking action is perceived as spending time on our own writing down long term goals professionally and personally. One of these goals can be seeking out and manifesting a healthy partner in remembrance of what has been lost. Ultimately, this is how we can become more comfortable talking about our ex if a friend or family probes about him or her further, without calling him or her names. This is how we move forward.


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